How Being A Perfectionist Led Me To Lose A Perfectly Good Guy

I am humbled to have the honour of sharing this with you. I deeply respect the author for having the courage to open up like this. I am always scanning the internet for Nice Guys and Girls. There are many of us, though I am now reformed. We are the people who suffer in silence behind an aloof mask of helpfulness, self-deprecating humour, and perfection. Recently, I came across this post on Facebook. I knew I had to make contact with the guy. And if you have any messages of support for the author, comment below and I will pass them on…. I was told I should write more.

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Is your perfectionist partner or family member driving you crazy? Perfectionists can be hard to live with: rigid and controlling, critical, and.

If you’re a perfectionist, probably you already know that your perfectionism impacts a number of aspects of your life — and not just the solo ones: Perfectionism can affect your relationships , too. Tough perfectionism might manifest differently for everyone, there are definitely some similarities between people who identify as perfectionists ; as such, there are also a few common threads for how perfectionism can impact your dating and romantic life.

For a lot of us, perfectionism is understood as a positive thing: Perfectionists are reliable, have high standards, and frequently achieve their goals. As psychologist Adrian Furnham explains at Psychology Today, however, perfectionism can have a dark side as well: “There is nothing wrong with setting high standards,” writes Furnham, “but they need to be reachable with effort. So, where does this leave us in terms of relationships?

Sometimes people follow the old adage of “opposites attract” and find pleasure in a partner who balances out their personality. Other people flock to those who are just like them, and enjoy feeling entirely understood by their significant other. If you’re a perfectionist , you may find yourself in either boat, and that’s OK! Perfectionism can make you a great partner in many ways, but it’s also important to note that your perfectionism can put unhealthy expectations or standards on your relationship and your significant other.

If the following points strike a nerve for you, it may be a good idea to sit down with your partner and talk through some things and see how they’re feeling. Do you ever feel like real life fails to live up to your expectations?

Perfectionism May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship

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Don’t Let Perfectionism Get in the Way of a Great Relationship

It can make you unfairly judge yourself and others, and can cause a lot of problems. Decide on a few dealbreakers. Be reasonable. It never hurts to get advice from people who know and love you. Stop controlling everything. No, seriously, stop.

5 Random Items Every Man Should Have To Spice Up His Sex Life Perfectionists are people who are all or nothing, which in theory is a supplement to This type of relationship is toxic, because the perfectionist is constantly Tagged: boyfriendcommunicationdatingeffortgirlfriendloveperfectperfection.

People often confuse high achieving behavior with perfectionistic behavior. Their achievements are not about what others will think of them or a fear of failure , it’s to gain personal gratification from their success. True perfectionists aren’t really trying to be perfect, they are avoiding not being good enough. This avoidance dictates much of their behavior, and it’s linked to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and even suicide.

Paul Hewitt, PhD and psychologist Gordon Flett are two of the most respected researchers of perfectionistic behavior. And so, the search for absolute perfection never ends. Are you a high achiever or a perfectionist? Here are seven signs that your pursuit of perfection may put you at risk of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and in very extreme cases, suicidal thinking.

Hewitt uses this example of a college student, also one of his patients, viewed his success. However, he became even more depressed and suicidal than he was prior to the end of semester.

The perils of perfectionism

That particular red flag is relatively obvious and makes a woman easy to pass by. The Wiki entry goes into some detail about concept of perfectionism complete with links to sources. They also tend to dissociate themselves from their flaws or what they believe are flaws such as negative emotions and can become hypocritical and hypercritical of others, seeking the illusion of virtue to hide their own vices.

I’ll get to the point: How has the perfectionism that we all know and love Don’t take my word for it, don’t take the word of some guy on YouTube, don’t My EQ is sufficient dammit, but there’s things about dating that I just don’t fucking get.

As a professional counselor, perfectionism truly is one of the most dangerous threats to relationships that I see. So, what does this look like? We impose unrelenting standards upon ourselves for our physical appearance, our work performance, and our relationship skills. We think we should always know the right things to say and should never make anyone angry or annoyed with us. We think our parties should be Pinterest masterpieces, our houses should be Chip and Joanna worthy, and our kids should be perfect little sleep-through-the-night-in-their-own-bed angels instead of psychopaths that make us worry they will one day be highly successful leaders of a prison gang.

We think we should be able to show up to every social gathering and glowingly float through the room without feeling an ounce of anxiety. We think we should be able to make a to-do list at the beginning of every day and check every single item off by 5 pm. We shave our legs before going to our gynecology appointments, because no matter what horrors they have seen, surely nothing is as horrible as our stubbly ankles.

We cannot tolerate constructive feedback, and we feel that any criticism is a personal attack. So, we retreat in shame. We isolate. And in our attempt to shield others from having to experience the utter crap storm that is our personality, we sink into a pattern of depression, anxiety, and ironically, more perfectionism.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

In the coming days I will be writing 5 different blog posts on relationship red flags, mainly focusing on red flags that women can notice in men while dating although some can apply both ways. After doing sessions for over ten years and relationships being one of my specialties, I have noticed a pattern of red flags that many women seem to disregard and then end up in a dysfunctional relationship. And this is the BIG problem, they are forever dissatisfied with themselves because there is always something wrong or not quite right within them.

Of course they will rarely admit that they feel something is wrong with them, but rather they will project this onto the world and other people. At first the hardcore perfectionist man might seem very attractive because he is constantly striving to make himself better. So when a perfectionist man appears and he exudes this aura of improvement and success, women think that this is the perfect man.

law of diminishing returns. A perfectionist always seeks higher standards, and is often an unfairly harsh critic of what he does. He completes 90%.

I dated a perfectionist. Let me tell ya, that lasted maybe two months. For the people who are not perfectionists, like myself, and are dating a perfectionist, I applaud you. Making sure that my hair was perfectly styled, my clothes were without any wrinkles, and my makeup was on point. I wash them in between, okay.

Though, in some ways, it made me more aware of not only myself, but how I interact with people. So, did I learn something about myself from the experience? Would I date a perfectionist again? Maybe a moderate perfectionist. A radical perfectionist is too much for me. Before you go off pointing the finger at your partner, see what type of person you are. Many of us have qualities which could be described as perfectionism.

Now, maybe not to the extent of your partner, but there may be some things that you need to do perfectly.

Living With A Perfectionist in Your Relationship


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